dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
