Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
