Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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