From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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