just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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