so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
