Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
