I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
