Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
