Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
