i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He? As in you personified your dick?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
