You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
