we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
