I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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