Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
