Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
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He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
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There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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