He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
