This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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