and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
