I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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