her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I accidentally burped into my bong.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Be still, my beating vagina.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
