you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
