Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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