Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
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The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
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I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize