ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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