I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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