dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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