last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
