i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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