I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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