Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
