i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
You're a waste of cheezeits
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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