winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
