loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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