Where did you get a picture of my penis
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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