Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
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Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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