Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
