There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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