I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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