I can tuck mytits in my pants
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
