Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
