felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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