he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
