atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
