You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
