Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I am mentally ready for anal.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
