I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
