update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
