new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
