dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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