The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
