look no pants
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
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Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
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There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
We're too hungover to prance.