last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out