i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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