God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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