I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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