Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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