After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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