If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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